My Feelings About An Awful Point In My Life
by Blackmarshargonian
Summary: Kyle Broflovski has had a big crush on Stan Marsh since they were young. Now older, Kyle has to deal with many issues such as hiding his sexuality from Stan and his classmates, his relationships with people, and maintaining hope that one day Stan will show signs of returned feelings and his life can be solved.
1. Classroom Observation

Chapter 1: Classroom Observation

I realised I didn't like girls when I was nine years old. I was sitting next to my best friend, Stan Marsh, in Mr. Garrison's class. We were being taught about the feminist movement of the early 60's and I could barely keep my eyes open. In my sleepy state I glanced around the room and made an observation I had never made before, 'A person's looks do not reflect their likability.' I looked at the girls and the boys and what dawned on me was that their faces might as well be blank canvases because their appearance wasn't what influenced my opinion of them, it was who they were that did. So I looked at the different girls in my class like Red, Wendy, and Bebe and reasoned that I did not like them because they were too caught up in their looks, the new trends, fashion, and boys. It was then I decided that I had no interest at all in girls because all the girls I knew were just superficial and celebrity-wannabe's. Then I noticed my best friends who were Kenny, Cartman (who I hated but still counted as a friend), and of course my favourite, Stan. I saw how themselves they were and how much they didn't care about the world of popular culture, or at least not as much as just having fun in whatever way they could. And through this classroom observation I worked out how little respect I had for girls and how much fun and enjoyment I had with guys.

I was sat at my desk, mulling all of this over and what it meant when a buzzer went off inside my head and the word 'Gay' flashed on and off, questioning me. I hadn't quite gotten the grasp of what 'gay' was back then, but I knew it was when you wanted to be with a guy in the same way a guy traditionally wants to be with a girl. And so my mind was quick-firing questions to itself. Like if I was sure I didn't like girls at all, and if not liking girls meant I was gay? Because all these questions about myself were new to me, my brain was working overtime trying to get some answers. With all this thinking it took some time until I realised I was staring directly at Stan. He was the kind of person I wanted to be with at all times because our interests synced up nicely. It didn't matter whether he made a plan or if I made a plan because either way I was bound to have fun with him. I think a big part of this wasn't what we did as much as that I was with him in the first place. I loved that fact, did that mean I was gay? I noticed him and how special he looked slumped over on his desk tiredly. I remember analyzing each of his features trying to work out if I found him attractive, if I did would that mean I was gay? At that point in my life he defiantly wasn't someone I was sexually attracted to, but I must say that in that moment I suddenly found him irresistibly cute. I always had a soft spot for little animals because they are so fluffy and cuddly and now Stan was making me feel the same way about him. I just wanted to give him a hug right there and then because his aura of adorableness was hitting me big-time and I had an urge for a closeness between us. I suppose the best way to describe it is _he made my heart 'aww'_. That defiantly meant I'm a bit gay. Then he turned his head towards me, noticed I was staring, and gave me the sweetest and most brilliant smile I've ever seen. It was then my heart skipped a beat and my first crush began.

Even now I'm older I still remember back to that day and how it was the start of my unspoken feelings towards Stan. Throughout the years we've remained the best of friends and as me and him grew older my hormones and sexual feelings took a sharp incline, throwing lust into my cluster-bomb of a crush on him. I'd never told Stan about my feelings towards him and, if I say so myself, I think I've been pretty awesome at hiding them... until right this second when I just put my arm around him at the movies.

"Kyle, what are you doing?" Stan asks clueless, turning towards me and lifting his head forward off my arm.

Caught off guard, I freeze in my stupidity, left with my arm over his seat and my gaze meeting his. What had I been thinking? I suppose what I did was just an instinctive action. I saw he'd moved his head forward for a second and I couldn't stop myself from wanting to be close to him. I couldn't stop myself.

After a pause I move my arm back to my armrest and shyly stammer out, "S-s-sorry dude... I was just stretching." My cheeks begin to redden but the theatre is dark and I doubt he will notice.

Stan doesn't say anything in response but his eyes look quizzical and remain locked on me. He stares me out for a few seconds before moving his head back and turning towards the screen which is still showing previews. I do the same, hoping that there was a reasonable doubt in his mind that I was only stretching.

The movie begins playing but I couldn't care less about it. It's one of those stupid teenage movies, like American Pie, with tons of nearly-naked girls and smutty gags which make every teenager out there want to live that experience. It's appeal is to its youthful demographic as The Hangover is to people who go to Vegas thinking they're going to experience something like in the movie. It's plays on our generations idiocy and if there's one thing I hate it's being grouped in with most people my age. Sexual-innuendos here and there from everywhere. It's enough to make me barf. Needless to say Stan had picked what we're watching today. The movies not fun, but being with Stan is.

Even though I have no interest in watching this garbage I don't really take my close shave with Stan as seriously as I should. Here I am, a closeted gay, trying my best in life not to out myself and potentially lose the respect and friendship of my best friend... but I can't keep myself from looking at him. I disguise it with the movement of reaching for my drink, then when I'm facing him I just carry on looking. I don't think he notices.

I can't accurately describe how absolutely appealing his looks are to me in every possible way because to do so would take infinity years. I'll try to sum up with what's standing out to me now. His black hair is amazing and really helps to emphasise how deep he is, or at least how deep I think he is. I mean of course I don't know what he thinks about, but there's something about dark hair that really opens up a person's soul for me. It makes me feel pathetic about my bush of ginger. Then there's his clothes which are so ordinary but also so _him_. Ordinary jeans and a brown jacket are his usual attire but there is something so sexy about the way they fit him. I'm always self-conscious that my clothes are too tight or too baggy or that I just look plain stupid but Stan makes his work. It sounds silly but he buys the perfect size of jeans which I have yet to find. What am I now, some gay fashion stylist analysing Stan's dress-sense? I look at his hat. His blue and red hat never ceases to make my heart 'aww'. He once said he thought my green hat was the greatest hat he'd ever seen but he's never been more wrong. Then there's his face. I'm looking at it now and it's as perfect as always. Each particular feature just contemplates another but not in the classically handsome sort of way. His face is welcoming and warm. It's kind of rugged, but also kind of soft with just a pinch of puppy fat around the cheeks and jaw line. There's no spots, Stan's too good for that. His eyebrows are dark and defined and his eyes are a beautiful green. I wish I had the chance to stare at them for more than just the few seconds I get when we talk to each other. Stan isn't thin, but he's not fat at all. Some would say pudgy, I'd say perfect. Stan is perfect. He's the meaning of the word.

Right I've looked at him for way too long now and I should definitely look away before he sees me. Okay I'm going to shift my attention to the movie now. RIGHT NOW. Why am I still looking at him? I'll look away RIGHT NOW... god this is hard. I don't want to look away! You're meant to look at amazing things right? That's the point of art isn't it? Well Stan is art to me. He's a beautiful creation that should be awed at nonstop, only I'm not allowed to do that so I have to stop watching him... n-n-n-now! As I prepare to look forward Stan's head turns to me and I freeze again.

"Stop staring at me, dude." He states simply, showing little emotion.

My body twitches at the surprise of being caught. "I wasn't staring" I say to him after a few seconds of reworking out how to speak.

"Yeah... you were. What's up Kyle? You gone gay for a day or something?"

"What!? No I haven't gone gay for a day, Stan. As a matter of fact I was so bored by this shit-pile of a movie that I just zoned out while looking your way. But it's nice to know that you think you're a sex god."

I admit I am a little impressed with myself that this bluff escaped my mouth so fast and so fluently. But was it believable to Stan? Stan blinks for a moment and then gives me a little smirk.

"I am a sex god" he states like it's a matter-of-fact. Then he turns his attention back to the screen.

I'll say, Stan Marsh. I'll say.


	2. Slip-ups and Solutions

Chapter 2: Slip-Ups and Solutions

It's six-thirty Monday morning and I haven't seen Stan since we saw the movie together on Saturday. Nothing was said afterwards on the whole staring incident so I guess he must have bought my story. That's what I like, to have as little guessed about my hidden sexuality as possible. And so far nobody has guessed. Sure there are fag jokes from Cartman and some of the other boys in school but it's not like they're actually calling me gay. It's just how we talk to each other. I call Cartman a fag all the time and expect the same from him. Their words do kind of hurt me though. Not in that sensitive, 'you called me a fag and now I'm wounded', kind of way. It just hurts that these feelings I can't control have to be subjected to such harsh treatment from others. I hear about gay rights all the time on TV and with each positive change for homosexual acceptance I rejoice a little inside because it gives me hope that one day I won't have to hide my feelings and I can just be myself. Me, Kyle Broflovski. For now though that is just not possible. There is no denying that if I were to come out now my life would be a hell of abandoned friends and regular beatings.

My cell phone rings on my desk. It's not really uncommon to get calls this early, everyone's been an early riser since I can remember. I look at the name of the incoming call and see that it's Cartman. I prepare my defences and offences for the upcoming conversation.

"Hey Fatass", I answer, eager to get the first jab before he does.

"Shut your Jew fag ass up Kyle! I'm not fat I'm big boned."

"What do you want anyway? I don't have any Cheesy Poofs at my house right now."

I always like teasing him about his weight. As hypocritical as it may sound it is nice to attack him on something he's uncomfortable about, seeing as he makes others just as uncomfortable. Throughout the years our insults towards each other have never changed. It's almost instinctive to call him Fatass and for him to rip on me for being Jewish. Cartman is the one and only person I know who I both hate and like at the same time. He once said to me that all the experiences we've been through together may not make us friends, but makes us something. On this point I couldn't agree with him more. It's a unique relationship but that's exactly what I like about it.

"Look you fricken Jew, just calm your period down for a second. We're all going to Raisins before school today are you coming?"

"Raisins?" I ask curiously. "Is that place seriously open at half-six in the morning?"

"Naww dude it opens at like seven. Poor bastard Kenny got some money for his birthday last week and he really wants to spend it as stupidly as he can before his Dad asks for it back. That means mozzarella tasty tots served by hot-ass girls for every meal his cash lasts out for. Stan wanted to know last night if you're in?"

I almost jump at his name and a small smile crosses my lips. It seems that the very mention of him is enough to make my day brighter. "Stan asked about me?", I ask and then immediately regret doing so noticing how desperate, gay, and desperately gay it sounded. I don't think things through when I've just woken up.

"Yeah Stan asked about you. So what are you gonna come now your little boyfriend is going?" Cartman taunts.

"Up yours fat-ass, I'll be there", I say then hang up immediately to give him no time for a comeback. I've heard them all before anyway.

I don't need to shower as I had one last night. Instead I just get dressed and prepare to leave. I grab my bag, my phone, and some money for Raisins. As I'm walking downstairs my mother peeps her head at me from her bedroom door.

"Kyle, where are you going at this time?", she asks in that concerned yet intrusive way that only mothers know how to do.

"I'm just meeting up with the guys before school", I say, trying to keep the conversation short. She seems to sense this.

"Well just make sure you eat something young man", she instructs. "God forbid you should keel over and die just because you want to get to your little friends before breakfast."

I hate being diabetic for many reasons but I'm often happy about what my illness has done for my relationship with my mother. She's a nagging and overbearing woman who likes things that are done in her house done in her way. She drives me up the walls with her rules and moaning, but to know that each day she makes sure I keep my blood sugars up and stay healthy really makes me feel blessed to have her. If it weren't for this reassurance of her love towards me I think my opinion of her would forever be ugly and clouded with resentment.

"It's okay, Mom. I'm getting breakfast with the guys. See you later tonight", I tell her before walking downstairs and leaving the house.

I get into Raisins and find only Kenny at a table. I take my seat opposite to him and notice he looks disappointed.

"Hey Ken, is something up with you?" I ask.

"Well yeah. These girls aren't flirting at all!", he exclaims, pointing towards the three waitresses near the kitchen.

Usually the place is full of skimpy staff trying to shove their tits down your throat but today they don't look bothered. Perhaps it's too early for them to try to be sexy, this place has just opened for the day I suppose. I don't know much about girls but I bet none of them like putting on an act first thing in the morning.

"Well what did you expect at seven in the morning? An orgy?"

Kenny looks at me, "Hey I'm paying good money and I want the Raisins experience."

Kenny waves at the group of waitresses and one of them who I know as Lexus comes over to our table. I see Kenny eyeing her up as she walks over. I take a look out of curiosity but I don't think she's quite as appealing to me as she is to Kenny. She's wearing the Raisins uniform, orange shorts and a white t-shirt, very tight-fitting to accentuate her curves and bits. Attention-whores like this remind me why I don't like girls. Why do I come to this place?

"Hey Ken-doll, hey Kevin. Ready to order now?", she asks, mistaking my name. I see Kenny's eyes snicker slightly at this but neither of us bother to correct her.

I look at Kenny, "Shouldn't we wait for Stan and Cartman?"

"No point, dude", he responds. "Stan called five minutes ago and said he thought it was a smarter idea to save his money. And Cartman... well I couldn't give a shit about when or if Cartman gets here."

Great, I've subjected myself to this place for no reason at all. I feel a little miserable about Stan not being here and I think I must have inadvertently frowned or something because I see Kenny analysing my face in a curious way. Worried about my secret becoming exposed I try my best to shrug it off so he doesn't patch the clues together. Kenny and I order some food and Lexus walks away. Obviously Kenny's eyes zap straight to her ass the second her back is turned.

He's such a sexual thing. I think about sex too like any other person but it really only pops into my head randomly throughout the day. With Kenny it's every second. He doesn't seem to have any real hobbies, goals or ambitions. He's just a walking bag of hormones, lusting after every slutty bitch out there. With that being said he has toned it down a considerable amount now he has a girlfriend. Yeah, he's with Red. Red from our class grew up to be one of the prettiest girls in our school which even I can see. They've been together for about two months now and she's his first proper girlfriend, although he says he's had numerous flings. I'd have never expected him to be so modest about their obvious bonking which we all know they do after Cartman walked into his room without knocking first and caught them in the act. Cartman told us all about it but Kenny just played it off cool and he's never mentioned anything about their sex life together out of respect for Red. I bet he'd secretly love to brag and boast about what they get up to. I can tell he's proud of himself for losing his virginity before the rest of us.

"Mmm" he moans quietly, still staring at her ass. "That's what I like to see. That's the kind of thing my money is paying for here. I've gotta rate that an eight-out-of-ten. What do you think?"

"I think you shouldn't be looking at other girls' asses if you have a girlfriend" I say to avoid answering the question directly. Kenny looks at me for a few seconds with a blank face.

"Yeah well I think you need to look at more girls' asses if you ask me. Look no offence Kyle but I've been noticing a lot lately that you don't seem to like girls."

My mouth hangs open as me and Kenny look at each other in silence. I should deny his claim immediately and emphasise my nonexistent love of girls and boobies and all that jazz. That's what I should do but I don't. There's a lot going on in my head as it's playing out different scenarios of what to do now. Like what if I just dropped the act now and told him I was gay? What if there was something snappy or off-topic I can say that will throw him off my scent? What if I told him I didn't think any of the girls in town were hot enough for me? And how much has he worked out? Would he care if I was gay or would he hate me? Would he assume that I like him which I admit I do a little? Or would it be worse? Would he accept me as having a unique lifestyle but essentially just tolerate me rather than accept me? I can't figure out what the best choice is right now and my silence proves to be my actual answer.

Kenny continues, "Well you never talk about girls, you never point out any of the hot ones, and you never stare at them even when we all are. The evidence really seems to point to you being a fag, dude."

"I'm not a fag" I say, but I don't put any effort into my words. I can't believe Kenny's worked it out. Shock hits me. If Kenny could work it out then how many other people have as well? Before another word is said Lexus brings us our food. As she puts our breakfasts in front of us I think about checking her out to make Kenny think I'm straight, but it would be too obvious that I'm overcompensating. Lexus is about to leave us when Cartman walks in and very rudely gives his order to her. He sits down next to Kenny.

I worry that Kenny will bring up the issue again while we're now in front of Cartman but he doesn't. However he doesn't talk much either, like he's thinking about it. I share a few glances with him and I get the impression of reassurance that he's not going to start up the discussion again while Cartman's here. This is good because I may just crack under pressure if the two of them interrogate me. On the other hand, my silence about it secretly confirms he was right. Since we aren't talking about it now in front of Cartman it has turned into our little secret and it should be obvious to him that he'd hit the nail on the head. I need to get him alone and let him know that I'm not what I am. I have to do that at some point today because if I fail and he does tell anyone then my life is over.

We finish eating and head to school together. Cartman and Kenny do most of the talking on the way there and I just pipe in with my opinion whenever I feel like it. I suppose I'm not much of a talker. I like to get the facts about things, and I like talking to Stan about anything, but when it comes down to a conversation then I'm not usually too involved. Quietness is underrated anyway.

We all arrive outside school and I see Stan waiting for us at the gates where we all usually meet. I'm always happy to see him but I hang back behind Kenny and Cartman so I don't seem too eager to reach him. Even if I can't convince Kenny that I'm straight I don't want him to know who my major crush is on. I watch Stan in hope that he ignores the other two and looks straight to me. He doesn't quite do this and I'm a little disappointed, I'm always looking for signs that he's into me but I've found nothing conclusive thus far. When we get to him he simply says, "Hey", collectively to Kenny and Cartman. But then he looks at me specifically and smiles gently before saying, "Hey Kyle." He's singled me out for the sake of a greeting. My stomach flips and I melt a little. He makes me feel very special sometimes, like I am his whole world. I bet he'd choose his words more carefully if he learnt of my feelings towards him.

Sometimes I wonder about Stan's sexuality and if it's as clear to me as it could be. He's not had a girlfriend since Wendy left him for the second and final time in fifth grade and us two have always been very close and shared a lot of secrets with each other. We see each other regularly and care for one another a great deal when problems in this town affect us. But I do notice him ogling at girls sometimes, maybe not as much as Kenny but I do notice. And I've never seen a shred of evidence that indicates he likes guys. But still I don't allow my hope completely disappear and insist to myself how perfectly plausible it is that one day he'll tell me he likes me. I know in my heart that if me and Stan were together then everything in my life would be solved and issues like getting good grades, getting a job, being a good person, food, drink, films, and games would all be secondary to him being my primary purpose.

"Hey Stan" I say just as the bell rings. We all walk into school together with Kenny and Cartman at the front and me and Stan falling being next to each other, the way it always seems to be.

"Hey dude I could really use your help with something" Stan tells me.

"What's that?"

"I can't get through this fucking song on Guitar Hero 7. I was up all night trying to beat it but I just can't do it alone. Will you come over tonight and play co-op? We can order some pizza or something, my family are out at some dumb Broadway show."

"Sure dude I'll help you beat it, I've heard Guitar Hero 7 is the hardest one yet" I say.

I'm happy that I've got a whole night alone with Stan but somehow it doesn't sink in a deep as it should do. Maybe I need to sort out this situation with Kenny first.

It's first period and Stan has Maths without me because I have it two doors down in the 'smart class'. Kenny and Cartman go inside while me and Stan have just reached the door to his class.

"What's the song anyway?" I ask as he's about to go in.

He looks at me and simply tells me, "I love you."

I blink and my mouth hangs open for the second time today. Did I mishear or did Stan just tell me he loves me? My pulse speeds up with curiosity and shared feelings. I'm not sure what to say. If I was stupid I would have blurted out that I loved him too straight away, but I'm not so retarded. There's got to be a logical explanation for what he just said, but what is it? I quickly retrace our conversation for clues and feel stupid at the answer, but not before my face gives away my confusion to Stan and he clarifies himself.

"... by Avril Lavigne, Kyle" he corrects me, not knowing where to look.

"...Yeah dude... I know" I answer, but my cheeks are burning red and my body feels weightless with nerves and worry. He gives me a strange look.

"See you later then I guess", he mutters before going into the class in a slight rush. I'm so stupid.

I feel like a huge fool throughout the entire Maths lesson. I'm not even sure I learnt anything at all, I just keep thinking about the look on Stan's face when he saw that I thought he was admitting his love to me. It wasn't a nice look, it was an embarrassed 'Kyle-how-could-you-even-think-I-meant-that' look. Why am I blowing my cover so much lately? Maybe my head has had enough of my constant analysing and hiding. I might just not have the ability to keep my secret any longer. Like now I'm older, and my feelings towards Stan are as strong as they've ever been, it might be too hard to not out myself. Fuck this. Why can't I be normal?

Maths ends and I meet up with everyone two doors down to walk to our next class. Lucky for me we have English together, but unlucky for me it's the day that we have to read out our short essays in front of the class for the spoken-word portion of our final grade. We had to write about an issue in the news, how it affects people, and what we could do to help fix the problem. I hate speaking in front of a large group of people because I get very nervous and worried that I'm not talking normally or that the topic of what I'm saying is stupid.

I don't talk to Stan much, or anyone for that matter, but that's okay because I'm going to try to sort out these problems one at a time, beginning with Kenny.

We get into class and sit down. Mr. Eller, our teacher, tells us how we only have time to do half the class's essays today and that we'll have to do the rest at our next lesson on Wednesday. Maybe I'd feel happier about this if my second name didn't begin with 'B', putting me near the start of the list alphabetically. I sigh.

"However", Mr. Eller continues, "So that it's fair who speaks today and who speaks next lesson I'll be selecting randomly from the attendance sheet."

Yes! I can rely on luck to get me through this lesson unembarrassed. It's a fifty-fifty chance anyway and I'm bound to be owed some good luck right now.

Mr. Eller calls on people randomly throughout the lesson like he said he would. First it's Craig, who talks about the Middle-East crisis; second it's Butters, who tells us all about the Iraq war; and third it's Wendy who mentions world hunger as an important issue. Then it's Eric Cartman's turn. His speech is all about the discrimination of gingers, which he doesn't so much defend as agree with. He's defiantly recycled one of his old essays from Elementary school, only this time it's pretty good. I mean I don't agree with it and he's clearly a moron who's just trying to provoke me but at least what he's saying is more structured, more factual (for the most part), and thank god it's not a slideshow! Mr. Eller cuts him off halfway through and tells him he has to rewrite it for Wednesday because his presentation was too stupid and discriminatory. I laugh at him as he walks back to his desk but I don't think he really cares about the grade more than trying to piss me off.

More and more students do their presentation until it finally gets down to the last one for this lesson. I cross my fingers and hope I can put this off for another two days.

"Stan Marsh", Mr. Eller calls. It still sounds strange to hear someone call my obsession by name. Stan walks up to the front of the class, notes in hand. I wish him good luck, inside my head of course. He doesn't need luck anyway as he's always been a natural in front of people. Stan's very at ease with large groups and has a lot of self-confidence which is a huge factor in why I'm so attracted to him. He clears his throat and begins.

"My presentation today is on the rising figures of homeless people in Colorado. In the last four years homelessness in Colorado has increased by eight percent. We see them every day in this town... on the streets, in our alleyways, dying from the cold and hunger. Most of the homeless haven't done anything wrong; they're just real people like me and you who haven't had much luck in life and can't afford to live anywhere or to eat anything. I'm tired of this problem and how little is being done about it and I want change right now. Think about how many real lives have to end because the government isn't willing to put in the time and money for this issue. With the winter coming up many more homeless will die in the extreme cold we face here. I don't want to see or hear about this and I don't want to feel partially responsible for people dying when I could have done my bit and helped out. I'm sure you don't either. I propose we do three things to help solve this problem. Number one is that we all volunteer to help out over this winter. That could mean working an hour in a soup kitchen or just taking the time to talk to someone homeless and explain to them where they could go for some help. It's only an hour and I'm sure you all could spare it because I know I will. Number two is that we start and sign a petition to the government demanding change. Maybe it won't do anything at all but it's important we make our voices heard. And number three is that we each give one homeless person five dollars this year because even a little bit of cash could mean the difference between life and death for them. I feel really strongly on this issue and I hope we can all make a change. Thank you for listening."

We all clap Stan as he makes his way to his seat. I clap the loudest and longest because of the extent to which he had just touched my heart. I'm in awe at the sincerity he delivered his speech with and the thoughtfulness he put into it. The thing about Stan is I know he wouldn't just get up there and fake concern, which means that this is an issue he obviously cares about a great deal. What an angel with a heart so sweet and sure and a mind so open and pure. My eyes well up a little bit with tears but I hide them discreetly. Damn I'm a fag. Why is Stan so perfect? Today he's made me love him so much more than I ever thought I could.Wait...I..._love him_?

The bell rings and break time starts. I'm still trying to get Kenny alone to defend my straightness to him but it seems impossible because the four of us are always together. I can't bring this up in front of everyone, that's too risky for my blood. And I can't foresee any point in the day when me and Kenny will be able to talk privately. I've got to make it happen though. There's this one day to sort out the problem and failure to do so means, with ninety-nine percent probability, that my life would suck major balls for the rest of my time in South Park. Failing to convince Kenny today means I'll never know for sure who he ends up mentioning it to. Like what if he foolishly tells Craig one day that he thinks I'm probably gay? When time passes after an event the way people remember feeling on that day becomes vaguer and vaguer, so much so that they can wind up hardly sure at all over what's safe to tell people and what's private. That's why today is the one day I have to make sure the truth dies at Kenny. Or perhaps the truth could die _with_ Kenny? ... Nah I can't pull that off, but I do need to talk to him alone.

We're all in the hallway together just waiting for the next class to start. It's nearing the end of break and unfortunately we've all stuck together so far. But then Kenny stands up and says something amazing.

"I'm going for a piss", he muffles from underneath his orange hood.

Kenny walks three doors down goes into the boy's room. Now this could be my only chance today to get this problem with Kenny sorted, but I need to tread carefully and not raise attention to myself. I wait for the door to close and then stand up.

"Yeah I need one too", I tell the guys and head into the toilet.

As the door's shutting I hear Cartman shout, "Don't fall onto his dick, Jew!"

And then I'm where I need to be, in a private place with Kenny. Step one accomplished, but now what?


	3. Megan Fox vs Kristen Stewart

Notes:

I was beyond happy with the reviews I got for the last few chapters and I'm sorry it took so long to write this one. I'm happy with this story's progress and would also like to let people know that on my YouTube channel I'm uploading videos of me reading each chapter of the story. Chapter one is up now so please enjoy it!

watch?v=UNMGErv1Aq8

* * *

Chapter 3: Megan Fox vs. Kristen Stewart

Inside the boy's room I'm greeted to the sight of Kenny's back as he empties his bladder into the urinal. He shifts his head around for a second to see who's just come in and notices that it's me. I'm still stood where I was when the door closed and I continue to stand here, just thinking about how to start the conversation with him. I'm very uncertain of the best way to start this difficult talk but I'm well aware of the godsend which is this opportunity, given this day's foreseeable rarity of a chance to be alone with him. I'm also well aware of this opportunity's time-constraint, with class beginning very shortly. So in the understanding that I have no time to plan anything and that I will have to completely wing this conversation I decide to start by getting his attention.

My mouth begins to form the 'K' in 'Kenny' when suddenly a toilet stall door opens and some kid I don't know from another class emerges out. He proceeds to immediately walk around me and leave the room, without washing his hands first I note. I must remember to not directly touch the handle to this door on my way out. Slightly startled by the surprise of us not having been alone I turn my attention back to Kenny, ready to try again. But then Kenny, who has now finished urinating, turns around to face me.

"What on Earth are you doing just stood there?", he quizzes at me.

I must admit I feel a little stupid to have not realised how strange it looks to just be standing here and watching another boy pee. It probably doesn't do my 'I'm not gay defence' any favours. I decide it's now or never.

"Kenny can I have a word?"

Kenny raises an eyebrow as it's not often I speak to my best friends in such a way that I just have. He takes a pause and then tells me, "Sure. Go ahead."

I begin my improvised bullshit defence.

"About our little talk this morning in Raisins... I just want to tell you, Kenny, that you have it all wrong. I'm not gay. I just... really don't think there are any nice girls in this town. I suppose I like a little class in a girl, and those bimbos at Raisins aren't anywhere close to meeting my standards. You know what I mean?"

I look to his face which reveals no information of his feelings towards my excuse, but I don't have a lot of hope. I wouldn't expect anyone to have believed me. He exhales as if to begin talking but then he pauses and simply shakes his head and walks over to the sink. Kenny turns on the taps and begins to wash his hands and, after a moment, whips his head around to me.

"Kyle... it really is okay if you're gay. I've kind of had a feeling for a while now that you may be. In Raisins I didn't mean to sound so unsympathetic or homophobic. I just wondered if a little tough love might get you to admit it. And believe me I've wanted nothing more than to hear you admit it and for you to stop bottling it up. But then Cartman came in and I couldn't really speak to you about it in front of him."

He pauses for a moment and begins to dry his hands with the paper towels. I'm still rooted to my spot, staring at him with a blank expression but lots going on in my head. Once again my silence proves to be my answer to Kenny. He seems to sense my unease and after a moment continues.

"Look don't worry. I won't say a word to anyone. This is your thing to tell people. I just thought you could use a friend who'll listen. If you have anything to talk about just stop by my house anytime I'm in and I'll do my best to offer my advice."

I had no idea he could switch his maturity on at will. With the tears in the corners of my eyes beginning to roll down my cheeks I ask, "Do you promise you won't tell anyone?"

He smiles at me, and though I feel warmth from his smile I feel hell in my head. His words, however nice, don't give me relief. They don't give me relief because they do give me relief. They only make me feel small. Right now I see myself as a tiny piece of insignificant matter. As a person who has significantly weak coping abilities. As a wounded soul who must get comfort from others or cease to function properly. That's a pathetic thing for a person to be. I'm a fag with self-acceptance issues and mountains of inner-turmoil buzzing around my brain - an ode to a stereotype. I'm a failure to be honest with myself and others and a I've failed to adhere to the morals I believe in such as honesty. And honestly I blame the world for my upset? I blame homophobes for my pain? My pain... which could probably be summed up with a five-minute metaphorical expressive dance (oh how now I'm sure I'm sure I'd love that). I've gone around thinking I'm different, not just from straights but also from gays. I've felt that because I don't have a lisp or act camp that I'm better than everyone else because I'm true to myself on a higher level than anyone could ever comprehend. But how true to myself can I be when all it takes is a few sweet words from Kenny to have my eyes leaking with tears? That isn't someone who's true to themselves. These aren't the actions of a loan hell-veteran who bears the bravely achieved medal of self-acceptance. These are the actions of Kyle Broflovski, who's now sobbing his eyes out because a boy told him it was okay to be gay.

Kenny confirms to me that he will keep the secret and then he grabs me some toilet paper to wipe my face with. After a minute of quiet sobbing I manage to control my emotions and I walk over to the mirror to wipe away my tears. I see in the reflection that Kenny is looking at me and he seems concerned. Noticing this only upsets me further and I let out a single small teary moan, much to the dislike of Kenny who displays much unease at the worry I will begin to cry again. I see his shoulders lower and release tension as he realises I'm in control. I think he's worrying about me being caught in this state as well as that I need to be calm when the bell rings in a second. I think I understand his thinking and I try my best to clean my face up so that no one outside will guess what I got up to this break.

I'm looking about normal again when the bell rings. Kenny very kindly holds open the door, probably because he's trying to be comforting and sensitive towards me after my little cry. I welcome this gesture but not because I agree with his motives (which make me feel pathetic again), but because I still haven't forgotten about the boy who didn't wash his hands a few minutes ago. We both head down the hall into the Science room where Stan and Cartman have already taken their seats. With too many thoughts in my head to even worry about explaining why we were in the bathroom for so long I simply take my seat besides them.

The lesson is very boring but at least that gives me time to think about things. I hate admitting I was wrong to myself but maybe I feel like Kenny knowing about my sexuality is a good thing. Yes it puts me at risk but to be completely honest it's a pretty big stress-reliever to know I can talk to him about my feelings. He's defiantly not going to learn about my obsession with Stan as that's just too big of a secret to share. I believe that Kenny won't say a word but sometimes I've noticed that secrets about things manage to spread around this school and town even when there should be no way of them doing so. There will not be a chance at all for anybody to learn about how I think of Stan. But Kenny just knowing that I'm gay might just be acceptable because the reports I've read on the internet about coming out always suggest telling a best friend whom you can tell things in confidence. I've always dismissed these reports as foolish because I always believed I was too different from their target audience. However now I'm feeling like there's something in them that could help me. It seems that after calming down I'm feeling hope. After a long time of feeling upset I'm feeling a little hope. And maybe that's okay. Maybe this is the first step in my coming out? And I owe my little feeling of hope to Kenny.

During lunch I get thinking about my earlier mistake with Stan and that Avril Lavigne song but I'm a bit less worried about it now. Stan doesn't even seem to act different around me so I doubt my foolishness made much of an impression. I guess I overreacted earlier with the pressure of Kenny on my mind. Today, from its rocky start, has actually turned out to be pretty awesome so far. Not only is my secret still safe with the lovely Kenny but my mistake with Stan has fizzled away and I get to spend the night with him! I'm so glad that's finally sunk in. I get to spend a whole night alone with Stan Marsh. I don't know if it's a bad thing but I often use the time we spend together as a bargaining tool inside my head. It works by assuming that each different category of peer-to-peer relationships exist as a linear format. Starting from the worst it goes: Enemy - Disliked - Neutral - Friend - Best Friend - Boyfriend. Whenever we spend time together I imagine the points pilling up until one day I'm promoted to the Boyfriend position. I'm not a fool and I understand the flaw in the logic. I know that relationships aren't linear and that you can't just look at them like they're a career ladder but it's nice to pretend our relationship might evolve. What we're at now can't be it forever.

Kenny's sat with us today for Lunch. Red must be off sick or something because he usually sits with her. I'm next to Stan and he's next to Cartman on the other side of the table. He keeps giving me a glance every now and then which makes me feel a little uncomfortable. However I'd probably do the same if he'd revealed a deep dark secret to me and only I knew. I catch him again and raise my eyebrows slightly to let him know to cool it off. He acknowledges this and keeps his view on the others. Everyone's currently engaged in a gripping discussion about Megan Fox's breasts. Oh joy!

"I've actually seen them and everything guys!" Cartman exclaims. "If you play the Two and a Half Men episode she was on in slow-motion when she's washing the windows you can totally see up her shirt and glimpse her nips. It's sweet guys."

Kenny says, "Nice."

Stan argues with Cartman, "No dude. They'd never let that air on TV. You're so bullshitting."

"I'm not brah. Check it out you fag."

"She's not even that hot Cartman", says Stan. "I've seen way hotter girls than Megan Fox."

Cartman looks at a loss for words. He turns around and shouts over Craig from another table. When Craig comes over Cartman asks him, "Craig. Stan here's just said Megan Fox isn't that hot. Can you believe that?"

Craig looks gobsmacked as well. "Megan fox is the hottest woman on the planet you gaylord. Or do you think there's someone hotter than Megan Fox? Like Wendy?"

Stan suddenly turns defensive, "We went out years ago Craig! I don't even think of her in that way now. And anyway I'd rather fuck Kristen Stewart than Megan Fox any day. For one she..."

Stan's argument is drowned out by the simultaneous raucous laughter of both Cartman and Craig. It drowns out after a few seconds and Cartman, almost in tears, belittles Stan saying, "Kristen... Kristen Stewart!? Are you going back to your faggy vampire phase again?"

Over their gasps of amusement Stan raises his voice, "I wasn't a vampire you dick! I was a fucking Goth. And I bet if we put it to the vote Kristen Stewart would trounce Megan Fox."

Putting effort into controlling his laughter, Cartman pipes up, "Alright then. We'll have a fucking vote. Me and Craig both correctly think that Megan Fox is the sexiest thing to ever exist and that not thinking so makes you a raging homo. Kenny what do you think?"

Kenny looks up from his now-empty lunch tray and states, "Megan Fox when she was Twenty. Kristen Stewart now."

"So that means he votes for Kristen", Stan immediately argues. Cartman is rattled up at this.

"No fucking way! Megan Fox is older now so it's not fucking fair to-"

"Eric Cartman!", a voice from behind him asserts.

He stops midsentence and his jaw drops with worry before he slowly turns around to face Principal Victoria who none of us had seen standing there.

"What do you think you're doing, young man? Shouting the F-word in my cafeteria? During school hours? You will come right to me to sign your afterschool detention slip now! Put your tray away and come to my office immediately afterwards! Do not cross me, Eric."

Principal Victoria then walks off and Cartman just turns around and looks at us in pathetic shock. Stan claps sarcastically much to Cartman's displease as he picks up his tray to return. Craig also wonders off back to his seat. Stan is now laughing joyfully which is always a delight to hear. I join in with him and we both have a few moments of unity together through Cartman's misfortune. He looks so happy and beyond cute with the way his eyes close and his nose scrunches up slightly when he laughs. The curvature of his lips are so desperately making me want to hug him and tell him how adorable I think he is. Our laughter dies down and then Kenny stands up.

"I'm gonna go use the computer room for the rest of lunch guys. See you later", he lets us know. I'm not sure but I think I saw a little smirk or a glare aimed towards me then. I wonder if he's leaving us alone because he knows I like Stan? I hope not. Kenny leaves the cafeteria leaving just me and Stan at the table now.

"So Kyle", he begins saying with the small smirk on his face still brightening up the room. "Who would you have voted for?"

I don't even begin to think too deeply about it because truthfully both Fox and Kristen are equal in that they are both worthless to me. Honestly I was fully ready to back my best friend up with his choice.

"Kristen Stewart" I say.

He smiles warmly and brings his arm up to pat my shoulder a couple of times. I get electric in my blood as he makes contact. It's like his touch is the key to the cage that imprisons the endorphins in my head. I swear I can feel them release and smoothly bubble around my body.

"Good answer" he tells me, still smiling.

The rest of the day's lessons go as they normally do. I'm given a lot of time to think through things but I can't develop on any of the conclusions I've already made. The final bell rings and me and Stan walk home together. His house is halfway in-between my house and the school, whilst Cartman and Kenny live on the other side of town. On the walk we make our arrangements to hang out tonight and I decide I'll come around at Seven. I'm trying to stay normal in front of him but the excitement of our upcoming alone time is making me a bit jittery. It's not often I feel like such a hyperactive and elated girl. Only with Stan. We say our goodbyes at his house and once my back is turned I shine my massive grin to the world and maintain it all the way home.

I've only been inside the house for a few minutes when my brother Ike comes home. We go to the same school but I never walk with him. He has his life and I have mine. While there is an unspoken consensus between us that we do care about each other there remains the truth that we aren't really socially compatible. I feel like we both know this is okay deep down and it doesn't change the fact that I'd go great lengths to protect him, which I've had to do several times. Ike takes a look at me before getting some orange juice and going upstairs to his room. He doesn't look so bad today.

Ike's had a lot of trouble with bullies all his life. I hate that about the world. I can't see any purpose for someone being cruel to someone else for no reason. It started when he was in kindergarten and it got out to the class that he was both Canadian and adopted. From there the taunts have just developed more and more over the years. It's gotten really bad sometimes. I remember one time when Ike had had a particularly rough week at school. On the Friday when he got home he took a seat on the couch and just remained sat there for hours, quiet like he usually is. He didn't do a thing for about five hours. The TV wasn't on but he sat starting at its blank screen and its slowly dimming reflection as the daylight disappeared. Mom and Dad were home very late that night so you can imagine the pressure of responsibility I had trying to coax any sort of response out of him. I asked him to speak, I offered my advice, I assured him my confidentiality, and I even made him dinner which he didn't touch or even look at. He would not speak or move or show any signs of emotion. It was like he was frozen in the moment like a mime or a prehistoric ice man. Eventually he broke down crying. Not just a set of whimpers but huge screams of upset. Almost bloodcurdling cries of despair erupted from him for half an hour until he regained control. Afterwards I managed to get him to speak a little and learnt that the main cause of his distress was a boy called Fillmore in his class who was constantly giving him abuse and causing him to feel like an outsider. Luckily Mom and Dad never found out about his episode as I made sure he was out of the way before they got home. If ever one day I decide I've had enough... If I'm ever too upset or too angry or fed up or even just plain bored with my life... I can guarantee that I'm going to fucking murder Fillmore before I kill myself. Slit. Slice. Sever. Tie. Torture. Terminate. Attack. Aim. Assassinate. Noose. Neck. Nothing.

I spend my time in the house acting like a massive gay and trying to make myself smell good and look good for Stan. Just like the girly teen pre-date cliché I use every variation of soap, shampoo and conditioner we have in the house and I try on several outfits. After finally deciding on a pair of dark green jeans and an orange T-shirt I check out my ass in my bedroom mirror just to see if it looks good enough for Stan. Bebe from school always used to talk fondly of it which caused my ass to be a pretty infamous running joke for a few years in class. It looks okay I think. I've not gone completely mad, I'm allowed to act this homosexually simply because it's not real. I'm not actually looking at my ass to try to turn Stan on tonight. This is just a joke to myself. Although turning Stan on tonight would be nice...

Dad gets home and I let him know I'm staying at Stan's. Obviously he discusses it with Mom and I get a mouthful of do's and don'ts from her. Eventually she cools it off and, after she makes sure I eat dinner, I fill my bag with a change of clothes for tomorrow and head out to Stan's.

It's dark outside now and it's so quiet. There's no cars or even noise. There's some wonderful stars in the sky and a pleasant wintery scent in the air. Small flakes of snow begin to fall and everything feels beyond peaceful. I'd like my state of mind to be like the snow. Crisp and clear. I breath in deep the cold air and let it out of my lungs. I watch the steam flow softly out of my mouth and disappear steadily. The ambience is magical. I love winter.

"Crisp and clear", I whisper to myself as I reach Stan's house.


End file.
